


Happy Thirty-First

by covenofthearticulate



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Apocalypse Fix-it, F/M, Fluff, Hargreeves Birthday Fic, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Spec script, a day in the life, apocalypse fix-it au, birthday fic, post S1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26747299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/covenofthearticulate/pseuds/covenofthearticulate
Summary: After the Umbrella Academy saves the world from the apocalypse, they face an infinitely harder challenge: actually living in it. In this FULL-LENGTH TELEVISION SCRIPT, we spend a day with the Hargreeves on their first birthday as a family in over thirteen years as they bond, fight, and commemorate their thirty one years on this earth.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz
Comments: 21
Kudos: 52





	Happy Thirty-First

**Author's Note:**

> Hi folks! First of all, let me just say that this fic is completely raw and unedited, so please be gentle. I worked really hard on this fic and tried to match the tone and style of The Umbrella Academy canon, while also providing the quality Family Bonding content we all deserve! Thanks for reading, and as always, comments are most definitely welcome. 
> 
> (P.S. the only reason this has a T rating is due to a brief off-screen sex scene. Other than that it's pretty chill)

[Read here](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sOhVREE00Df05LyIiCJmHqG16B9RZOR3/view?usp=sharing), because AO3 unfortunately doesn't host script formats! (The unformatted text version is below but it's ugly, so 0/10 would recommend)

* * *

  
  


_“Happy Thirty-First”_

Written by 

Codenameseance on tumblr

  
  


Based on _The Umbrella Academy_ by

Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba

Inspired by “ _Happy Twenty-Third_ ” by

Amanda Swedeen

  
  
  


CLOSE ON: A record player. An old vinyl is placed in the center, beginning to spin before the needle drops. A moment of static before we tune in on the dull MOUNTAIN CLIMBING INSTRUCTIONAL, as played in the opening of episode 102. 

MAN ON VINYL

A controlled alpine descent begins with the girding of one’s loins and the anchoring of the climbing rope to one’s enemy: the mountain.

We PULL OUT to reveal:

**INT. ACADEMY - DINING/LIVING ROOM - MORNING**

GRACE HARGREEVES steps back and sets the vinyl sleeve perfectly in place on the table beside the player. She hums a completely different song, as if she does not hear the record at all. Her heels clack on the marble floors, echoing throughout the large house as she makes her way back to the kitchen to retrieve a tray full of food.

OVERHEAD SHOT of: Seven identical plates, perfectly laid out, all containing pancakes with two sunny-side eggs and one piece of bacon on top (arranged as a smiley face, of course). 

**CHYRON: October 1, 2020.**

She lays the tray at the head of the table (Reginald’s old spot)in one swift motion before placing each place set. She starts at Luther’s spot, to the left of the head of the table, where we see a chair that stands out from the rest around the table. It’s wider and much less ornate than the others, to accompany Luther’s new size. 

MAN ON VINYL (CONT’D)

Begin by looping the rope through the axe. An anchor must be used if the rope is to be successfully retrieved from the face of the mountain.

The next plate is set before Diego’s spot, where the wood of the table is carved with all sorts of words and drawings (“Diego rulez”, “2 cool”, and definitely a few penises). 

Next to Diego is Five’s spot. It still has a large chip in the wood from where he stabbed it, along with some more recent scribbles of various equations in dry-erase marker. Grace makes sure to place the coffee pot directly in front of his spot, rather than the center of the table. 

After Five, there is Vanya’s spot, at the opposite end of the table. Her spot is clean and almost unidentifiable, save for her favorite blue jacket, which hangs on the back of the chair. 

Grace skips over the space next to Vanya-- Ben’s spot. 

Klaus’ spot is as cluttered as his room-- a half-filled ash-tray, empty soda can, and bottle of black nail polish are scattered across his place matt, in addition to the several black jackets thrown across the back of the chair. Grace clears the items away, tucking the trash into her apron pocket and placing the nail polish and ash tray on the coffee table in the foyer. 

After placing his food down and straightening the jackets adorning his chair, she once again skips over the chair that is squeezed into the space between Klaus and Allison-- Dave’s new spot. Dave’s chair is slightly smaller and does not match the others. It’s practically colliding into the side of Klaus’ chair, and very obviously taking up space that is not meant for it, but there is something endearing about it nonetheless. 

We then come upon Allison’s spot, which is clean and tidy save for the ever fashionable jacket (and perhaps a hat or scarf) on the back. 

Finally, back at the head of the table, Grace places the last plate of food in front of one of the _two_ chairs that are there. The chair on the left, closer to Luther, belongs to Grace (at long last, she is allowed to take up space at the table). The chair to our right, closer to Allison, belongs to Claire. 

MOVE ACROSS TO: the dinner bell, sitting on the now-empty tray. In the background we see Grace’s figure move closer until her fingers are reaching out to grab it. But just as she’s about to grasp the handle, she pauses. A moment of hesitation. 

DIEGO (O.S.)

Yeah, I always thought that was kinda overkill. 

REVERSE ON: Diego, in a suit, leaning against his chair and twirling one of his many knives. 

GRACE

Oh, Diego, dear! Look at you, you are so very handsome. Happy birthday, darling.

Diego snorts at the compliment, but smiles nonetheless.

DIEGO

Thanks, mom.

GRACE

Why don’t you sit while I call the rest of your siblings down? You’ll need a healthy breakfast for the big day ahead of you.

Diego looks down at the plate of food in contemplation. He’s visibly nervous, though he’ll never admit to it. After a beat he swipes the piece of bacon from his plate, then takes a few steps back toward the door. 

DIEGO

I gotta head out. Courthouse is all the way across town. Don’t wanna be late. 

Grace nods understandingly, then steps closer, gently cupping his face. 

GRACE

We’ll all be here when you get back. 

DIEGO

Yeah, alright. Don’t wait up for me, though.

GRACE

Oh! I almost forgot. Happy birthday, darling.

She rushes to pull a small wrapped box from the pile of presents stacked on one of the foyer tables. 

DIEGO

What? Aw, mom, c’mon, you didn’t have to do that. I’m 31 years old now, I don’t need--

He cuts himself off as he opens the box to discover:

CLOSE ON: A small silver ring. It’s a plain band, no engravings or stones. It’s simple-- just like the rest of Diego’s style. 

DIEGO

...this a proposal?

GRACE

No, silly, just a ring. It’s made from some of my old hardware. Your father updated my Central Processing Unit before he passed, so I had no need of the old one. 

He takes the ring from it’s cushion, brows still furrowed slightly in confusion as he examines it.

GRACE

It’s...well, I suppose you could say it’s _a piece of my heart_. Or my brain. The Central Processing Unit both receives and analyzes input while also manipulating data and controlling all executive functions. But in broader terms...well, it’s my most important part.

DIEGO

And you melted it down for me.

GRACE

I know you’re not as fond of jewelry as some of the others, but if you’d like, you could wear it and think of me. 

Diego is still turning the ring over in shock. No one has ever given him a gift this thoughtful. Thank god the other siblings aren’t down for breakfast yet. He slides the ring onto his middle finger and looks up at her with that striking vulnerability, only seen every once in a blue moon.

DIEGO

Th-thank you.

GRACE

You’re welcome, dear.

He goes in for a hug, which she gladly returns, but pulls away after one short moment. 

DIEGO

I gotta go. 

He glances back down at the ring one last time before heading out the front door. 

**EXT. ACADEMY - FRONT STEPS - MORNING**

We follow Diego outside as he jogs down the steps, pushing past the wrought iron gates. He rounds the corner, but we stay facing the front of the house. PUSH IN on the Umbrella logo on the front door. 

Main title:

**THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY**

MATCH CUT TO:

The umbrella logo, in brightly colored ink. PULL BACK ON an old poster of the Umbrella Kids, all smiling for the camera. As we continue to pull back, we see more and more posters of The Academy, accompanied by various boy bands and magazine cut outs. 

**INT. ACADEMY - ALLISON’S ROOM - MORNING**

ALLISON lays in bed, perfectly poised with her hair wrapped and a plush pink sleeping mask draped over her eyes. CLAIRE is snuggled in bed beside her, already awake, perhaps playing with a stuffed animal. The faint ringing of Grace’s bell can be heard from down the hall. 

CLAIRE

Mommy wake up, it’s time for breakfast!

ALLISON

Mmmh. 

CLAIRE

Come oooonnnn.

ALLISON

One more minute, Claire.

Claire pouts and leans over, lifting her mother’s sleeping mask and peeking at her with a giddy smile. 

CLAIRE

Happy birthdaaaaayyyy!

Allison frowns and scrunches her face against the light at first, but her lips quickly twist into a small smile before she tackles Claire, locking her into a tickle attack. Claire shrieks and giggles as the two of them wrestle, sharing a moment of candid joy. 

ALLISON

Alright, sweetheart, go on down and let Grandma help you. I’ll be down in just a minute.

She tosses Claire out of bed and heads for her vanity, where she starts to unwrap her hair. 

**INT. ACADEMY - HALLWAY - MORNING**

We follow Claire as she rushes out of Allison’s room only to bump into FIVE, who has just emerged from his room, coffee already in hand. 

FIVE

Hey, kid, where’s the fire? Slow down, Jesus. No running in the halls. 

He pauses, realizes how _old_ he sounds, then:

FIVE

How long’ve you been awake? All that pent up energy isn’t good for you.

Claire shrugs. 

FIVE

Alright, well, next time you wake up before your mom...come on into my room. Let her sleep in.

CLAIRE

Okay. 

FIVE

Okay.

CLAIRE

But I _had_ to wake her up this morning. It’s her birthday and on _my_ birthday we always get up extra early and have breakfast with Daddy in my bed like a princess. And I always get hot chocolate with extra extra extra whipped cream, so when my mommy comes downstairs, I’ll make hot chocolate with extra extra extra whipped cream for her!

FIVE

Is that right?

CLAIRE

Uh-huh. Is it really your birthday too?

FIVE

Yep. Only I’m a hell of a lot older than your mother. 

  
  


CLAIRE

Oh. Well, happy birthday, Uncle Five!

FIVE

Yeah, thanks.

She gives him a tight squeeze. It still manages to catch Five off guard, and though he’s visibly awkward and uncomfortable for a moment, he’s quick to warm up, and eventually returns the embrace. 

FIVE

Hey, you want a lift downstairs?

CLAIRE

...Mommy said she didn’t like when I go with you. 

FIVE

Eh, what does she know? It’s perfectly harmless, I could do this jump in my sleep. Just hold on tight, ‘kay?

He finishes his coffee and sets his mug on the floor outside his door. Then, glancing back towards Allison’s room to make sure the coast is clear, he kneels down on the floor and allows Claire to climb up on his back. He stands up, lets her re-adjust, and then BLINKS to:

**INT. THE ACADEMY - DINING/LIVING ROOM - MORNING**

The two of them land directly in front of Five’s seat at the table. Claire is still screaming, and Five glances over his shoulder to make sure she’s alright, but once he sees the giant smile on her face, he stoops to let her down. REVERSE TO: LUTHER, VANYA, and BEN filing into the dining room.

CLAIRE (O.S.)

Again, again!

FIVE (O.S.)

Jesus, Claire, I’m not a carnival ride.

LUTHER

Yeah, and if he was, he wouldn’t even be tall enough to ride.

GRACE

Good morning, children! Happy birthday!

FIVE

Bold words for someone who looks like they’re trapped in a fun house mirror.

BEN

Thanks mom.

Ben, as always, is above the bickering. 

CLAIRE

Happy birthday Uncle Luther! Happy birthday Uncle Ben! Happy birthday Auntie Vanya!

She hugs Luther, who picks her up and spins her around like a rag doll, then moves on to Vanya, who gives her a tight squeeze and a small kiss on the forehead. When she tries to hug Ben, however, she phases right through him.

CLAIRE

Oh no!

BEN

Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry. I’m still here. Just going ghost this morning, until Klaus gets down.

GRACE

Oh, dear. Where’s your brother?

Grace grabs the chair for him as Ben plops down with a look of disgust.

BEN

It’s his birthday. He’s got a boyfriend. I’ll let you do the math.

VANYA

But Klaus’ powers still work even when you’re not in close proximity, right?

BEN

Yeah, in theory, but he’s...well, he’s using _a lot_ of his powers at the moment.

He awkwardly glances at Claire, who is happily munching on her bacon. While the others talk, Grace begins to cut Claire’s pancakes for her. 

BEN (CONT’D)

I can’t imagine what they’re doing would be any fun if Dave were all wishy-washy. Not that I’d _want_ to imagine it. God, I’ve already _seen_ too much. Anyway. I can’t even eat, so I figured I’d let them have this one. 

FIVE

Y’know, every time I think this family couldn’t possibly come up with new ways to ruin my appetite, you find a way to surprise me.

LUTHER

Well, at least we’re nowhere close enough to _hear_ them. I swear, Klaus was-

CLAIRE

Wait, where’s Uncle Klaus?

Luther freezes, absolutely petrified.

LUTHER

Uh. He’s...spending some time with... _Uncle Dave_ this morning.

CLAIRE

Can I go wake them up too?

LUTHER

NO! No. They’re...they’re...um, they’re reading. And you know how important reading is, don’t you?

PRE-LAP: creaking mattress springs, the sound of a wooden headboard thudding against the wall, labored breath.

Claire simply shrugs and nods as Grace pushes her plate of cut-up pancakes closer, already letting the subject drop.

  
  


**INT. THE ACADEMY - KLAUS’ ROOM - MORNING**

CLOSE ON: Klaus’ bookshelf. It’s filled with some of the required reading materials from his childhood (Greek Classics, Shakespeare, _The Art of War_ by Sun Tzu), as well as some of his own additions ( _War of the Worlds,_ the works of Edgar Allen Poe, and the entire _The Babysitters Club_ anthology). A pair of brightly colored panties (perhaps the rainbow cheetah print from episode 102) lands on the shelf, left dangling off of the corners of some books. 

KLAUS (O.S)

God, yes...oh, right there...!

We stay on the bookshelf for a moment as the sounds slowly fade out. 

CUT TO:

Klaus and Dave, tangled in bed, sweaty and disheveled and glowing with happiness. Klaus is already close to falling back asleep,eyes closed as he snuggles up to Dave. 

DAVE

Hey.

KLAUS

Hey there.

DAVE

Did I already say happy birthday?

KLAUS

I think I got the idea.

DAVE

Well happy birthday, again.

KLAUS

Hmm, happy indeed.

They share a tender kiss and Klaus rubs his legs together beneath the blankets like a cricket, unable to contain his joy.

DAVE

We should um...get downstairs.

KLAUS

Oh, you were doing so well. Just shush and hold me. 

DAVE

Klaus.

KLAUS

_Dave._

DAVE

Didn’t you hear the bell? Your mother’s got breakfast all ready. It’s rude to keep her waiting.

KLAUS

It’s also rude to kick your boyfriend out of bed on his birthday.

DAVE

I distinctly remember a certain someone saying they “didn’t give a shit” about their birthday just a few days ago.

KLAUS

Yeah, well that was before I remembered that birthday sex is a thing.

DAVE

I knew I should’ve waited for that. We’re so _late,_ now your whole family’s gonna know...

KLAUS

Hmm, you’re givin’ me whiplash, Davey.

DAVE

Huh?

KLAUS

Whiplash. You went from pounding me into the mattress to...worryin’ ‘bout our table manners in less than a second. 

Dave blushes a bit, and offers a small shrug as his defense.

DAVE

I just don’t wanna hold you back. Y’know, from your family and all. 

This seems to cut through the afterglow a bit, and he sits up a bit to glance at Dave. For the first time, we get a clear shot of Dave from the torso up. ANGLE IN ON: the bullet hole still left in his chest. It’s not actively bleeding or overly gory, but it’s still there. There’s a twinge of guilt that crosses Klaus’ face every time he sees it.

KLAUS

 _You’re_ part of this family too, ya know.

DAVE

That’s not what I meant.

KLAUS

I’m serious, Davey!

DAVE

Yeah, and I’m serious too! I know they’re not your favorite, but when was the last time you got to celebrate your birthday with your family, huh?

Klaus rolls over on top of Dave, brushing his hair out of his face with a smile. 

KLAUS

Technically Ben was with me for the last one. That counts, right? He wasn’t very impressed with the celebratory festivities in rehab though. All I got was an extra pudding cup at dinner.

He doesn’t give Dave any time to answer before he rolls out of bed. PULL BACK ON: a wide shot of Klaus’ room as he saunters over to one of the many piles of clothes on his floor. Dave watches, entranced by his every move.

DAVE

Have you _ever_ had a normal birthday?

KLAUS

Darling, my very _birth_ was a freak accident. I don’t do normal.

DAVE

You do me. I’m normal.

KLAUS

You’re a _ghost_ . And one that’s technically old enough to be my grandfather, by the way. Forget about DILF, you’re the world’s hottest _GILF_!

They both snort with laughter before Klaus scoops up a shirt and tosses it to Dave. 

KLAUS

Now stop gawking and get moving, soldier. It’s rude to keep my mother waiting, don’t you know?

**EXT. THE COURTHOUSE - FRONT STEPS - MORNING**

Diego stands at the bottom of the stone steps leading up to the Very Official Looking courthouse. He pulls something out of his pocket, but we stay tight on his face as he stares down at his hands with a somber expression. 

**INT. THE COURTHOUSE - COURTROOM - MORNING**

Diego approaches the witness stand, places his hand on the bible. He’s clearly stiff and uncomfortable-- surrounded by the bureaucratic system he’s always fought against. All eyes are on him-- from the jury box to the panel of attorneys. 

BAILIFF

Please raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

DIEGO (stuttering)

I...d-do.

BAILIFF

You may be seated.

  
  


**INT. THE ACADEMY - DINING ROOM - MORNING**

Allison takes her seat at the table as we see the figure Klaus over her shoulder, skipping down the stairs, with Dave trailing behind him. He makes a meal of his entrance as usual-- flouncing into his seat and pulling a jacket from the back to drape over his shoulders. 

KLAUS

Good moooorning, Vietnam!

He takes out a cigarette, but Allison plucks it from his fingers before he can light up. He pouts, and is about to snap at her, but Vanya quickly clears her throat and reminds him of Claire’s presence at the table.

CLAIRE

Happy birthday, Uncle Klaus!

KLAUS

Oh, why thank you, darling! You’re too kind.

He completely leans over-- perhaps _through--_ Dave to give her a tight squeeze. 

CLAIRE

Happy birthday, Uncle Dave!

DAVE

Oh, um, it’s not--

ALLISON

Claire, sweetie, it’s only Uncle Klaus’ birthday, remember? 

CLAIRE

Why?

ALLISON

Because Dave is with Klaus, but only _Klaus_ is my brother. 

CLAIRE

Why?

ALLISON

Because we were all born on the same day. Because our Daddy brought us all here to live together. 

CLAIRE

Why?

ALLISON

Because we’re all special.

CLAIRE

Why?

ALLISON

Claire, that’s enough.

CLAIRE

Mommy, whyyyyyy?

FIVE

Because your grandfather is an alien, your mother can warp reality, your aunt can explode things with her mind, and your uncles can lift cars, curve projectiles, commune with the dead, time travel, and unleash interdimensional monsters. Any more questions?

CLAIRE 

...no

KLAUS

Well, now that we’re all caught up with the Hargreeves...what’d Dave and I miss?

LUTHER

Nothing. We were still playing twenty questions with Claire. 

ALLISON

Sorry, she’s in the middle of her “why” phase.

FIVE

Knowledge is an admirable goal, as the dear old Pops would say.

ALLISON

Yeah, well you try being subject to a 24/7 interrogation.

FIVE

Maybe I will. 

KLAUS

Oh, please. His ego’s already big enough without having a child hailing him as Mr. Know-it-all.

VANYA

Don’t blame him. Fourty-something years in the apocalypse and no one to show off to? Oh, that must’ve been awful.

FIVE

No, what was awful was having to scavenge for food, having to dig graves for my family, having to scour the remains of civilization!

BEN

...at least you were the smartest man on earth?

FIVE

I was the _only_ man on earth, dipshit. And I’m _still_ the smartest man on earth. 

KLAUS

You mean smartest _kid._

LUTHER

I’m sure there are people who are smarter than you now. Out of everyone on earth?

FIVE

Not in any way that counts. 

LUTHER

Well who are you to say what counts?

FIVE

 _Who am I to say?!_ I have traveled across time and space in ways you can’t even comprehend! All the scientists and philosophers in the world couldn’t do squat when faced with the task of correcting the timeline. You idiots think--

ALLISON

Oh my god, how many times have you given this monologue now?

BEN

At least four times...this week.

KLAUS

Alright, alright, why don’t we put his knowledge to the test, then? Claire, why don’t you ask something you’ve been dying to know? Like how babies are made or somethin’.

He gets a smack from Allison for that last bit. Nevertheless, a hush falls over the table as they all look at Claire, who only looks back up once she finishes drowning her pancakes with syrup.

CLAIRE

Um. Okay. Uncle Luther...what’s it like to have a birthday on the moon?

He’s clearly surprised and a bit sheepish, almost scared of his siblings’ reactions to having to sit through one of his _Moon Talk_ episodes. But to his surprise, they yield him the floor, all eating silently as they listen.

KLAUS

Go on, then, _Spaceboy._ How was your birthday on the moon?

LUTHER

Well, um. The first birthday I had up there was...incredible, actually. I mean, I didn’t like being on my own, but there was just something…

FADE TO:

**INT. LUNAR BASE - MORNING (2018)**

Luther’s alarm buzzes: 23:28. The shot is almost identical to the opening sequence in episode 101. He sits up, shuts off his alarm, and stares blankly at the calender above it. It’s got a picture of his face up top-- one of the many propaganda-like posters with a smiling 12-year-old Luther, the words “SPACE BOY” in bolded letters up top. CLOSE ON: the date. October 1. 

**CHYRON: OCTOBER 1, 2015**

  
  


LUTHER (O.S.)

On the moon, every second is accounted for. Every breath of air, every bite of food. 

Luther goes about his morning routine. Waters his plants. Brushes his teeth. Makes himself a breakfast of re-hydrated eggs. It’s rather nonchalant, and does not match the epic and serious tone of Luther’s voice. 

LUTHER (O.S.)

But for the very first time, on my first birthday there, I decided to break the rules. Just a little bit.

Luther turns off the various monitors on the control deck and takes off the watch which he’s been using to communicate back to Earth. He glances out the window, then begins to suit up. 

LUTHER (O.S.)

I wasn’t supposed to go out that day. I was supposed to be doing maintenance, entering data, filing reports back at the base.

Luther takes his helmet and stares at his reflection. After a moment, it slowly morphs into the reflection of Young Luther, smiling and hopeful. He’s finally getting to live out his childhood dream, but it’s far lonelier than he ever could have imagined. 

LUTHER (O.S.)

But I went out anyway.

Luther puts on his helmet, opens the dock, and steps outside. He’s almost hesitant at first, taking his first step out. Luther has never disobeyed orders like this before, but he gains confidence with each step, leaping and jumping through the reduced gravity until he eventually plants his feet and looks out at the earth below. 

LUTHER (O.S.)

I went outside, and for the longest time I just...stood there. Looking down at the earth. 

CLAIRE (O.S.)

What does earth look like from space?

LUTHER (O.S.)

Small. And lonely. And beautiful. 

LONG SHOT of Luther’s lone silhouette on the horizon, against the earth.

LUTHER (O.S.)

And I felt so small and so giant all at the same time. It felt silly, that humans celebrate the number of times they’ve been around the sun. It felt insignificant, but at the same time...like the most important thing in the world. Because we make meaning out of nothing.

CLOSE ON: Luther’s face, staring out in awe. The music swells with his monologue, but right before it reaches a crescendo--

CUT TO: 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - DINING ROOM - MORNING**

KLAUS

Damn, that sounds a hell of a lot better than a birthday in rehab! 

ALLISON

_Klaus._

KLAUS

What? I’m just saying! I bet there’re no ghosts on the moon-- I’d kill for four years in isolation! While you were up there, I was stuck with _this bozo_ at Shineyview. 

ALLISON

Which I paid for, by the way!

KLAUS

Oh boo hoo, the multi-millionaire movie star had to chip in a few bucks to help out her own brother!

ALLISON

I’m not asking for pity, but a _thank you_ would’ve been nice! 

KLAUS

Well, it also would’ve been nice if any of you--

ALLISON

_Language._

KLAUS

Any of you _poop-heads_ visited me in that shit-hole.

BEN

Yeah, but did you DIE?

FIVE

I’d take being dead with Klaus over 45 consecutive birthdays in the apocalypse any day.

VANYA

Hey, at least you got to celebrate 13 birthdays before you left-- I didn’t get even one! For thirteen years you got birthday parties from the Mayor, keys to the city, birthday fan mail, all while I was on the sidelines. 

In typical Hargreeves fashion, they all begin to bicker over one another. 

CLAIRE

Grandma, where’s Uncle Diego?

Again, a hush falls over the table. They all look at Claire, then at Diego’s empty spot at the table, which they’ve chosen to ignore until now. They all know where Diego is. 

GRACE

Diego isn’t here right now, Claire. 

CLAIRE

But where is he?

GRACE

He had some business to attend to before he could join the rest of us. 

CLAIRE

But--

ALLISON

Claire, honey, how about we make some birthday hot chocolate now, hmm?

Claire pouts at the obvious attempt to distract her, but she can’t say no to hot chocolate. She slips out of her seat as Allison gets up. Allison grabs both her and Claire’s plates, but before she can move to leave, Grace stops her. 

GRACE

Oh no, dear. I’ll clear them.

ALLISON

Mom, it’s fine. 

Grace boops her nose with her trademark bright smile.

GRACE

Birthday girls don’t to dishes, silly.

Allison softens, lets go of the plates, gives her an appreciative smile in return, then heads towards the kitchen with Claire. As they leave, Grace begins to clear the rest of the siblings’ plates, regardless of if they’re done or not. 

GRACE

You all look upset. I’ll start on your cake right away!

**INT. COURTHOUSE - COURTROOM - LATE MORNING**

Diego is right where we last left him, at the witness stand. The PROSECUTING ATTORNEY paces the floor before him. At the table opposite them, we see a young man, handcuffed, dressed in a prison jumpsuit. JORDAN DAVIS, the suspect on trial. 

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

Mr. Hargreeves, can you explain to the court the nature of your relationship with Ms. Patch?

DIEGO

We met at the police academy. We were... _involved_ for a time, but we went our separate ways when I decided to leave the force. 

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

Can you elaborate on your involvement? Detective Beamen described it as “contentious,” would you say that’s accurate?

DIEGO

Hell no. Eudora and I were...we understood one another, okay? Even after we stopped dating, we had the same passions. That’s why we wanted to become detectives, to help people. But we didn’t agree on a lot of things. So yeah, we fought. We said some heated things, and people overheard some of the worst of it, but that’s only because...because we pushed each other, y’know? We only wanted what was best.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

And what exactly were the circumstances for your “parting ways”?

DIEGO

...I was expelled from the police academy.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

So you two meet at the academy, you start dating, you carry on a hot-tempered, borderline hostile relationship, you break up around the time of your expulsion, and you still manage to _keep in touch._ Why?

DIEGO

We weren’t _hostile._ Look, we butted heads a lot, but I was always there when she needed me, and vice versa. 

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

Can you clarify what you mean when you say you were _there for her_?

DIEGO

I...I wanted to help. Y’know, sometimes she’d get stuck on cases, I’d try to lend a hand. Give her a fresh perspective.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

So you helped her on cases, even after you were no longer qualified, after your expulsion from the police academy?

DIEGO

Well, no. She never asked for my help. I just--

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

I see. And during during this... _consulting_ phase with Ms. Patch, did she ever reveal any classified information to you?

DIEGO

No, of course not! She was a damn stickler for those stupid rules. 

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

At any point in your relationship, did you pressure Ms. Patch to reveal any classified information?

DIEGO

...what does this have to do with her murder?

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

Mr. Hargreeves, answer the question please. 

DIEGO

No, I wanna know what the hell all this has to do with Eudora getting shot, point blank, in cold blood! 

THE JUDGE slams her gavel as Diego begins to raise his voice, forcing him to rein in his emotions. He blinks the tears out of his eyes.

JUDGE

Answer the question, Mr. Hargreeves. I won’t warn you again.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

Did you, at any point in your personal or professional relationship, pressure Ms. Patch into revealing classified information so that you could consult on her cases?

DIEGO

Y-yes. But she never--

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

And were you aware, at the time, that Ms. Patch was investigating Mr. Davis here, for his involvement with drug distribution?

Prosecuting attorney motions towards the defendant’s table.

DIEGO

Okay yes, but she wasn’t there for him! Listen, we were working a different case-- look up the shooting at Griddy’s Doughnuts on March 22, 2019--

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

Mr. Hargreeves, what exactly did Detective Patch say to you that night? Did she reveal any motivations to you at all?

CUT TO: 

A FLASHBACK of an exchange from episode 104.

AL

I ain’t your secretary. Some lady called for you, said she needs your help

DIEGO

What lady?

AL

I dunno, some detective. I think she said her name was, uh, Blotch or somethin’. 

DIEGO

Patch?

Al shrugs.

DIEGO

She needs my help.

AL

She needs you to meet her at that motel, the dump on Calhoun. 

DIEGO

When?

AL

About a half hour ago. Said she found your brother. 

BACK TO: the courthouse. We’re tight on Diego’s face. His eyes drop to the ground. 

DIEGO

...no. All she said was to meet her there.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

Mr. Hargreeves, could you recount the events of the night in question one more time?

We move CLOSE ON: Diego’s hand, behind the witness stand. Out of his pocket he pulls: Patch’s rabbit foot. His mother’s ring still adorns his middle finger. He strokes the rabbit’s foot three times, then places it back into his pocket before proceeding. 

DIEGO

She...she called me, earlier in the evening. About eight o’clock. She didn’t say anything other than to meet her at the motel. I was out that evening, and only got home at around eight thirty. 

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

What were you doing out that evening?

DIEGO

Looking for my brother. I had some questions for him. We’d lost both of our parents earlier that week, so we had lots of...family business.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

I’m sorry for your loss. 

DIEGO

Gee, thanks.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

So you get her message, and then what happens?

CUT TO: A FLASHBACK montage, from the events of episode 104. Diego rushes from his apartment, leaving Luther and Five behind. 

DIEGO (O.S.)

I went to the motel as quickly as I could.

Diego finds Eudora’s body, sinks to his knees and holds her. The emotional scene continues as it did originally, until we see the distant flashing blue lights through the motel windows. Then:

DIEGO (O.S.)

Got there right after the cops showed up. Hardly even got to see the body.

BACK TO: Diego, stiff as a board, fist clenched in his pocket.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (O.S.)

Thank you, Mr. Hargreeves. I just have one last question. Do you genuinely believe it was a coincidence that Eudora was shot at the same motel where the drug supplier she was supposed to be investigating was staying?

DIEGO

Yes! That man is innocent-- well, I mean, maybe not from the drug stuff, but you can’t put him away for _murder._

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

So, to summarize: your relationship with Eudora was troubled at best, yet you claim to have been close enough with her to know her motivations for going to the motel that evening. You got yourself kicked out of the police academy and still insisted on harrassing Ms. Patch for--

DEFENSE ATTORNEY

Objection!

JUDGE

Overruled- but you need to wrap up. This the last question I’ll allow.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY

So you insisted on meddling with Ms. Patch’s cases, thus intentionally violating several laws all due to some misplaced grappling attempt at vigilante justice. You show up _after_ the body is found, you did not witness her killing first hand, and yet you still claim that the killer is not, in fact, this wanted criminal who was also under investigation and who just so happened to be at the motel that night, but someone entirely different? Is that correct?

DIEGO

...yes.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

So _who_ , Mr. Hargreeves, do you suggest killed Detective Patch?

Another quick FLASHBACK to: episode 102. Diego sits at Eudora’s desk, trying to convince her to skip out on the case file paperwork. 

EUDORA

This _“bullshit_ ” is what gets convictions in the court of law. What you do out there is a fantasy. I would love to play cops and robbers, wear a mask, and feel important, but guess what? Recess is over. It’s grown-up time. 

BACK TO: Diego, on the stand. He takes a breath, lips twitching upward in a worn-out sort of smile. He knows this is a losing battle, but he’ll go down swinging. 

DIEGO

You won’t believe me if I tell you.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY

I’m all ears. 

Diego raises a brow, takes a breath, opens his mouth, and--

MATCH CUT TO: 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - THE KITCHEN - LATE MORNING**

Luther opens his mouth and sucks in a breath, but doesn’t say anything. We PULL OUT to reveal that he’s standing at the kitchen sink, building up the courage to start a conversation with Grace as they both do the dishes (Grace is washing, while Luther dries). He stares at her as she patiently scrubs at a plate, hands accessorized with a lovely pair of yellow rubber gloves. 

GRACE

It must be nice, having all your siblings back together. 

LUTHER

Uh, yeah. 

GRACE

I know you got lonely, after they left.

Luther’s face deflates. He wants to argue, but he knows it’s no use. After all the time he spent alone with Grace after the others left, she knows him better than anyone. 

LUTHER

I had you and Pogo. But yeah, it must be nice to have all your kids under one roof again.

We hear the faint crackling noise of one of Five’s BLINKS in the background.

GRACE

Oh, yes, it’s lovely. I missed you all so much.

FIVE(O.S.)

Bet you missed me the most.

REVERSE TO: Five, standing on a chair as he rifles through the cabinets that are too high for his reach. 

LUTHER (O.S.)

Not a single person in this house has missed you poofing around the place like a damn wack-a-mole, I can assure you. 

FIVE

Evidently absence has only made your heart grow fatter instead of fonder.

LUTHER (O.S.)

What the hell are you doing, Five?

FIVE

Klaus thought it’d be funny to stash all the coffee on the top shelf. Again. 

BACK TO: Luther smirks, but says nothing. He dries one of the dishes from the rack, careful not to break the delicate porcelain with his large hands. 

GRACE

Oh, you look just like your mother when you do that. 

LUTHER FIVE

What? What?

Five climbs down from his chair, coffee finally in hand, but he doesn’t move to make it just yet. Instead, he CROSSES to Luther and Grace, head cocked to the side with a quizzical expression. Grace finishes the plate in hand, but looks up with that charming robotic innocence at the two boys.

LUTHER

I don’t look anything like you.

GRACE

Not _me,_ silly. Your _biological_ mother.

LUTHER FIVE

 _What?_ _What?_

GRACE

And Five, you have your mother’s dimples. 

FIVE

Hold on, you knew our biological mothers?

GRACE

Oh no, dear. I never met them. You were born October 1, 1989. Your father first powered me on on February 27, 1993.

LUTHER

Okay, but how--

GRACE

Your father kept files, of course. On all of them. Some are more extensive than others, of course, but he liked to keep the information at hand, just in case.

Luther and Five both stare, completely in awe. 

GRACE (CONT’D)

Would you like to see?

LUTHER FIVE

Yes. Yes.

Grace smiles and removes her rubber gloves. She looks around the room for a moment, then in an “a-ha” moment, crosses over to the wall beside the sink, where another large butcher cut print hangs on the wall. She carefully removes it, then steps back towards the table. She pulls two chairs forward, and faces them toward the wall. 

GRACE

Sit, dears.

We PAN OVER to Five and Luther, who share a look of utter confusion, but follow her directions nevertheless. They take a seat and stare at the white brick wall. We cut to a POV SHOT of the blank white wall. Suddenly, the lights go out and we are plunged into darkness until...

A bright projector lights up the surface with flickering blue light. It comes into focus on a digital copy of an old photograph of a young woman-- LUTHER’S MOTHER. She’s very young and beautiful, with blond hair and blue eyes just like Luther. The photo is quintissential 80s-- her hair is all blown out, and she’s wearing an oversized jean jacket adorned with all sorts of buttons. And just like Grace said, the slight smirk that tugs at her lips is also identical to Luther’s. 

REVERSE TO: Grace, standing behind the two chairs, the bright projector lights radiating from her unblinking eyes. We stay tight on her face for a moment, which is slightly unsettling, but then we PAN DOWN to find both of her hands resting on Luther’s and Five’s shoulders. It’s odd but tender. 

GRACE

Olivia Patterson, born 1970 in Preston, Lancashire.

CLOSE ON: Luther’s face, mouth agape, staring with joy and sorrow, excitement and grief all at once.

LUTHER

...thats in England.

GRACE

Yes, dear.

LUTHER

She’s so young.

GRACE

Yes, she was nineteen at the time you were born.

LUTHER

Why didn’t Dad ever tell us?

GRACE

I can’t say for certain. I believe he thought such things would distract you from your studies.

FIVE

_Bastard._

GRACE

Now, Five. Certainly you must recall all the time you spent with Klaus and Ben, planning your grand escape out to visit your “real mothers”. It feels like just yesterday I was clearing your maps and atlases from the dinner table. It was a nice distraction, I’m sure, but I can’t imagine what mischief you would have gotten up to had you any real information on your mothers’ whereabouts. 

Five furrows his brow and turns toward Grace with an open mouth, no doubt ready to fire off a snappy comeback or defense. But he softens as his gaze wanders to his brother’s face, so overcome with emotion, and so he turns back toward the wall once more. 

FIVE

Show her to me. Please.

GRACE

Very well.

She blinks once, and the picture changes, almost like a slideshow. It lands on another older picture, perhaps black and white, or sephia colored. This woman is wearing a cropped blouse with a long patterned skirt and a scarf around her head, covering her hair. She’s laughing at the camera, showing off her dimples in the exact same spot as Five’s.

GRACE

Adeline Khoury, born 1958 in Jounieh, Lebanon.

FIVE

Oh. Wow.

He doesn’t have quite as much of an outwardly emotional reaction as Luther, but he cannot take his eyes off of the image. Hell, he’s even afraid to blink. 

GRACE

Pretty, isn’t she?

FIVE

Very.

They sit in heavy silence for a moment. Then:

FIVE

So why’d she give me away?

The projection flickers, then stops altogether. Grace blinks once, twice, and then she’s back. She doesn’t bother to turn the lights back on. Suddenly the kitchen feels heavier than ever before.

GRACE

Well...I believe she was already married with several children. And your birth occurred at a very unenviable time in Lebanon, with the Civil War that devastated the country. Perhaps she did not want to raise another child in such conditions. 

FIVE

So that’s it? Dad just...swooped in, paid her, what? A million bucks? And just-just _left her there_?

GRACE

I’m not sure. The file only covers a basic survey of information such as name and date of birth, education, occupational history, and last recorded place of residence. 

FIVE

Well that’s just great. 

GRACE

I’m sorry, dear. Your father--

FIVE

He’s not our father! 

LUTHER

Five, stop--

FIVE

What, it’s true! He’s just some billionaire asshole who bought a bunch of super-hero babies like fucking happy meal toys!!

LUTHER

Enough! So maybe he wasn’t the world’s greatest father, but if you had to take seven kids from their homes to save the world, you’d do it too! Hell, with the amount of innocent people you were willing to gun down just to stop the apocalypse, you of all people should understand.

FIVE

That doesn’t excuse the fact that they _never told us!_ I spent _58 years_ wondering what kind of person would just give me up like that. All those times I tried to sneak into Dad’s office to find his files when _she knew the truth the whole time!_

LUTHER

So what, you’d rather grow up in a war-torn country with powers you could never control on your own? Or has it ever occurred to you that those women never wanted us to begin with! Dad never loved us, but at least he gave us a place where we belonged!

FIVE

Of course _you_ belong, you were always NUMBER ONE! You are so UNBELIEVABLE, Luther! We were always just a collection to him, and you—

He stands and points an accusatory finger in his mother’s face.

FIVE

Are a _goddamn robot_ ! You may dress the part of a mother, but you will _always_ be a pathetic imitation of that old bastard’s twisted idea of motherhood.

Before anyone else can respond, he BLINKS out of the room. Luther is still clearly agitated, but puts his frustration aside as he looks to his mother. 

LUTHER

Don’t listen to him, mom. 

Grace’s face is hauntingly blank, but it snaps to attention once Luther says the word “mom.” She smiles, and it’s still a little synthetic, but much smaller and much less forced than her usual wide grin. 

GRACE

Time to start on the cake!

**EXT. THE ACADEMY - ROOFTOP OBSERVATORY - NOON**

Allison, Vanya, and Claire all sit cross legged on the floor, underneath a new blanket fort- similar to the one built by Luther and Allison, only bigger and sturdier. They sip on hot chocolate as Claire makes beaded pipecleaner bracelets for them all. 

VANYA

Y’know, I always knew about you and Luther coming up here.

ALLISON

Wait...really?

VANYA

Yeah, are you kidding me? Luther has the heaviest footsteps known to mankind.

ALLISON

Man, we thought we were _so cool,_ so rebellious. Turns out we were just...stupid.

VANYA

No, it was cute. Actually, I used to come up here sometimes too. While the rest of you were in training. I think I might’ve stolen your snacks once or twice.

ALLISON

That was you?! Luther always insisted it was raccoons.

VANYA

Yeah, I just...sometimes the house would get so loud, y’know? Especially on sparring days. It’s nice to have a more quiet space. 

A beat.

VANYA (CONT’D)

Sometimes I thought about camping out up here just to see how long it’d take anyone to notice. 

A guilty expression crosses Allison’s face, but before she can respond--

CLAIRE

Auntie Vanya, can I go camping with you?

VANYA

I’d love that.

CLAIRE

All done! Here, this is for you.

She holds out a blue pipecleaner with white beads. In the center is a larger bead with guitar clipart printed on it. 

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

I know you don’t play guitar but it was the closest to a violin. 

VANYA

It’s lovely, thank you Claire. You got all my favorite colors, too! 

Claire smiles and goes to finish the rest of her hot chocolate. In typical six-year-old fashion, she tips the mug back a bit too far as she reaches the bottom, and spills the remainder of the drink down the front of her chest. 

ALLISON

Claire!

CLAIRE

Oops!

Allison jumps into Mom Mode, plucking the mug from Claire’s hands and ushering her out of the tent so she can save any items worth saving from the chocolate.

ALLISON

Oh, honey, go on back down to my room, we’ll get you all changed. 

VANYA

You go ahead, I’ll clean up. 

ALLISON

You sure?

VANYA

Yeah, I got it. 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - ALLISON’S ROOM - NOON**

Allison digs through a suitcase on the floor, throwing around pajamas and various dresses. Claire sits on the bed without a shirt, contentedly playing with her stuffed animals. 

ALLISON

Okay, sweetheart, c’mere. Let’s wear your panda shirt for the rest of the day.

CLAIRE

I don’t wanna wear my panda shirt, I want my unicorn shirt. 

ALLISON

Your unicorn shirt is dirty. C’mon, I thought you loved your panda shirt. 

CLAIRE

I want my unicorn shirt!

ALLISON

How about one of your nice dresses, then? I bet it’d make Uncle Klaus real happy if you wore the purple one he got you. 

CLAIRE

I don’t wanna wear a dress OR a shirt. 

ALLISON

Claire, you have to wear a shirt. 

CLAIRE

Uncle Klaus doesn’t wear a shirt. 

ALLISON

Well, _he’s supposed to_.

She gets off the floor, panda shirt in hand. Her patience is clearly running thin. 

ALLISON (CONT’D)

That’s it. Come here.

She tries to get the shirt over Claire’s head, but Claire fights back. They wrestle. Eventually, she’s able to get the shirt around Claire’s head, but her arms are the most difficult part yet. 

ALLISON (CONT’D)

Enough! I’m gonna count to three and if you don’t get this shirt on, I’m putting you in time out!

CLAIRE

No!

ALLISON

One...two...

Before she can get to three, Allison is BLASTED across the room. She trips backwards over the suitcase and falls with a thud. We stay on her face for a moment as she glances up in confusion, then absolute shock. 

PAN TO: Claire, scrunched up with her shirt still half-on, surrounded by a glowing force field. She holds it for a second, but it disappears the moment she relaxes. 

Off screen we hear the zap of Five’s blink and PAN TO: Five, standing in the doorway, furious and confused, having just blinked out of the kitchen. 

ALLISON FIVE

Shit. Shit.

**INT. THE ACADEMY - ENTRYWAY - AFTERNOON**

KLAUS

Shit. He’s back.

Klaus has been standing by the front door, looking out the windows for his brother’s return. Ben hovers behind him. 

BEN

Don’t suffocate him, Klaus.

**EXT. THE ACADEMY - FRONT STEPS - AFTERNOON**

Diego parks his car on the sidewalk, then sits behind the wheel for a moment, processing the events from this morning. He hits the steering wheel in frustration before slinking out of the car and jogging up to the house. 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - ENTRYWAY - AFTERNOON**

POV shot of the door opening only to find Klaus’ cartoonishly expressive face smiling at us. 

KLAUS

Hey, there he is! Happy birthday, buckaroo! We missed ya at breakfast this morning.

Klaus goes in for a hug, which is begrudgingly returned. When they pull back, his expression is strikingly somber. It’s almost comical how he’s able to pull emotional 180 like this. 

KLAUS

So...how’d it go?

DIEGO

Not great, Klaus. 

He shoves past Klaus and Ben, but they follow him up the stairs to his bedroom. 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - HALLWAY - AFTERNOON**

KLAUS

Aw, man. Why didn’t you wait for me? I wanted to come with! 

DIEGO

Why the hell would I want you there with me?

KLAUS

I dunno, moral support?

BEN

Well, at least it’s all over now, right?

DIEGO

Yeah, it’s all over, and they’re probably gonna lock up the wrong guy for killin’ Patch.

KLAUS

Well, y’know, maybe it’s not so bad that our good pal Davis is off the streets. I mean, I owed him _a lot_ of money, and he’s done tons of shady shit, so in a way, you’re still getting justice...just not for your girlfriend.

BEN

Diego, you must be tired, maybe we should--

DIEGO

Are you fuckin’ serious Klaus?

KLAUS

I’m just saying! It could be worse. Don’t you want a silver lining?

DIEGO

 _What I want_ is to set the record straight, but I can’t do that because _for some reason_ they didn’t believe me when I told them Patch died trying to save my _idiot brother_ from a bunch of lunatics!

KLAUS

...okay, so maybe it’s not the most _believable_ situation--

DIEGO

No, it’s not. Which is why they ordered a goddamn _psych evaluation_ for me tomorrow _._ I can’t even prove my own goddamn sanity, let alone Patch’s murder. 

KLAUS

Pfft, those things are _so easy._ You just gotta tell ‘em what they wanna hear! I’ve aced it loads of times, I’ll help you--

DIEGO

Oh no you won’t.

Diego turns and shoves Klaus backwards. 

DIEGO (CONT’D)

You have done more than enough _helping,_ okay? Just stay out of it! None of this would’ve happened if you didn’t let your dumb ass get kidnapped in the first place.

Klaus stops following, clearly wounded by his brother’s words.

BEN

You don’t mean that--

KLAUS

Yeah, well maybe if you’d cared enough to notice I was gone, you coulda been there to save her. 

A beat. They both stand and stare at one another, fuming with anger. Then, Diego turns into his room and slams the door behind him. 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - DIEGO’S ROOM - AFTERNOON**

Diego runs over and kicks his bedpost. He violently yanks at his tie and throws his suit jacket across the room. Once he’s down to his undershirt and trousers, however, he pauses when he hears a knock at the door. 

DIEGO

Go away.

PATCH (O.S.)

Alright, if you say so…

CLOSE ON: Diego’s face. Everything within him softens as the rage melts away. He trips over his own discarded clothes in his rush to get to the door, and he throws it open to find:

PATCH, looking alive as ever, save for the bullet wound in the middle of her chest. Similar to Dave’s, the dark bloody spot is instantly recoginzeable, but not overly gory. She’s got that classic cocksure grin on her face, and even lets out a small chuckle as Diego tackles her in a hug. 

Over her shoulder he looks up to see Klaus and Ben, still standing in the hall. Klaus’ hands are glowing blue and his expression is much softer. Perhaps not quite an “I’m sorry” face, but at the very least, a face begrudgingly asking for a truce. 

PATCH

Y’know, you oughta be nicer to your brother.

DIEGO

I missed you.

KLAUS

So clingy! Yeesh, it’s only been...what, three days since the last time I patched her through- _pun very much intended_. 

DIEGO

It’s been a long three days.

(A beat)

DIEGO

Thanks, Klaus.

KLAUS

Yeah, yeah. Hey, no sexy stuff this time, okay? I already used up all my juice on ghost sex once today, so keep it PG.

Diego rolls his eyes. 

DIEGO

One kiss?

KLAUS

UGH, fine. _One kiss._

He holds out his hands and creases his brow as the blue begins to pulse until it’s radiating. Patch is the first to reach out, and gently presses a hand against his chest. Diego smiles and leans in for a passionate kiss.

KLAUS

Alright, that’s a wrap! C’mon, don’t make me get the hose. Chop chop, break it up now, or else I won’t be able to keep her here much longer.

Patch pulls back and gives a small nod to Klaus.

PATCH

Now...how did your dumb ass hold up in court?

Diego deflates a bit, but steps back towards his room so they can have some alone time. He tries to grab her hand, but it phases right through. Instead, all he can do is hold the door for her and give a wave to his brother before he disappears behind his bedroom door once more. 

We stay with Klaus and Ben in the hallway as they make their way back to Klaus’ room.

BEN

How’re you feeling?

KLAUS

I’m golden, baby. Why? 

BEN

No, it’s just...you look a bit drained. I’m impressed, though. Three ghosts at once ain’t too shabby. Not gonna lie, I didn’t think you could do it. 

KLAUS

Really? I’m surprised it took me this long. 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - KLAUS’ ROOM - AFTERNOON**

KLAUS

I mean, it’s not that _hard_ anymore, it’s just taking me forever to build the damn stamina.

We PAN OVER to find Dave, lounging in Klaus’ bed, looking very confused based on Klaus’ last sentence.

DAVE

Uh...

BEN

He’s talking about his powers.

DAVE

Ah. 

KLAUS

It’s just that I kept _you_ tethered to me for _ages_ and I didn’t even have to think about it. Hell, half the time you were there when I didn’t even _want_ you to be. No offense.

BEN

I’m fully offended, but go on.

KLAUS

And all those pesky buggers that show up out of nowhere, all those pissed off murder vics or creepy hangmen-- they still wake me up in the middle of the night or pop up when I’m in the damn shower or whatever, and it’s exhausting to send them away. I still hear them all the goddamn time. 

He huffs and flops into bed beside Dave. Ben makes himself comfy on one of the many beanbags on the floor. 

KLAUS

It’s like I’m a ghost magnet, but never for the ghosts I _want._

BEN

You’ll get the hang of it eventually. You did with me, at least.

KLAUS

That’s different, I snatched you from the Great Beyond before your body was even cold. Hell, I don’t even know what you’re supposed to look like now! I’m tempted to give you a wrinkle or two, maybe try out some facial hair, but I think that sorta Ageless Korean Glow works well.

BEN

Yeah, I’m still liking this look. Let’s keep it for another year or so.

Klaus fluffs his pillow and grabs one of the many throw blankets draped over the foot of his bed. 

KLAUS

Well, all this conjuring business has me pooped. Fuck off while I take a nap.

Ben rolls his eyes and heads toward the door. 

DAVE

Where are you going?

BEN

...my room?

DAVE

Oh right...could I come?

Ben smiles a bit, and glances back at Klaus who is already dead asleep.

BEN

Sure.

**INT. THE ACADEMY - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON**

Grace hums gently as she retrieves the eggs from the fridge, setting them down on the table alongside all the dry ingredients for the cake. 

LUTHER

Do you...need help?

GRACE

I’m quite alright, dear. I’ve been making this cake for twenty three years, after all. 

LUTHER

Yeah, I really missed this stuff on the moon. 

GRACE

Oh, Luther. I’ll make sure to give you an extra big slice tonight, then.

They both smile at each other, and Grace goes back to measuring out the water and oil, but Luther is still visibly shaken by the events from earlier. 

LUTHER

Hey, thank you for uh...for showing that to us. 

GRACE

Of course, dear. I only wonder if I ought to apologize to your brother for not showing him sooner.

LUTHER 

No, he’s not mad at you, he’s mad at dad. As usual.

He steps closer and takes the bowl from her once she cracks the eggs. He begins to mix- a bit too aggressively at first- as she prepares the baking pans and sets the oven.

GRACE

Do you remember the first time you called me “mom”?

LUTHER

Uh...not really. Must’ve been five, right?

GRACE

Yes, you’d just turned five. Diego was the first one to call me by that name. I believe Klaus and Five teased him about it at first. But then on December 15th, 1994 at 6:42 PM, you called me your mother for the first time. And after that, your siblings followed suit. But it was only because of their brave leader, Number One. 

LUTHER

Really?

GRACE

Yes, really. I’m so very glad you decided to allow me to be your mother. 

LUTHER

We’re all so lucky to have you. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it would have been like without you. 

GRACE

That’s very kind of you to say, Luther dear.

He sticks a finger in the cake batter and brings it to his mouth, earning him a scolding smack with a wooden spoon as Grace glides past him to place the dirty measuring cups in the sink.

LUTHER

You know you’ll _always_ be our mom, right? Doesn’t matter who gave birth to us. 

Grace turns to face him, struck with genuine emotion. She cannot cry, but it looks as if she’s about to. 

GRACE

Being your mother has been the best gift of my life.

**INT. THE ACADEMY - ALLISON’S ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON**

Allison is still on the ground, recovering from the blast of energy. 

CLAIRE

Mommy?

ALLISON

CLAIRE, sweetheart, oh my god, are you okay? Are you hurt?

Motherly instincts kick in once again as she rushes across the room, throwing her arms around her daughter before pulling back to check for any bumps or bruises. 

CLAIRE

I’m okay.

FIVE

Y’know, I’d always wondered if this stuff could be passed on genetically. 

Allison helps Claire push her arms through the sleeves of her panda shirt, then turns to Five with a glare. 

ALLISON

Careful, you sound like Dad.

VANYA (O.S.)

He always sounds like Dad. What’s wrong?

She steps into view from behind Five, hovering in the doorway and staring at the room in disarray. Makeup and jewelry has been knocked off of the vanity table, clothes are strewn across the floor, and in the middle of it all is Allison, holding onto Claire for dear life. 

FIVE

Claire’s got powers. 

VANYA

What? What do you mean? What kind of--

FIVE

Force fields, evidently.

VANYA

Oh my god.

FIVE

Yep. I knew it would be now or never. She’s five, right? That’s around the time ours developed too. 

ALLISON

That’s...this is...

FIVE

Remarkable?

ALLISON

_Scary._

VANYA

You _do_ sound like Dad, y’know.

FIVE

Relax, I’m not gonna turn her into a lab rat. 

CLAIRE

I don’t wanna be a rat. 

ALLISON

No, sweetie, no of course not! I won’t let anything bad happen to you, you are the light of my life.

Allison squeezes her extra tight, and something in Five softens upon witnessing such fierce protection and love. He and Vanya let them have a moment, then enter the room and sit on either side of them. Vanya gently places a hand on Claire’s back and leans down to meet her gaze.

VANYA

Are you scared?

CLAIRE

A little 

VANYA

That’s okay. It’s really scary to find out you can do something you never thought you could. It’s confusing and overwhelming and sometimes it can feel like you’re all alone. But you are so brave, and your mom is so awesome, and me and all of your uncles are gonna be here for you. 

FIVE

Hey, if this kiddo can stomach inter-spatial hops with me, she can do anything. Now...

He takes a knee in front of her. 

FIVE (CONT’D)

Can you tell me how long you’ve been able to do that? And what it felt like?

**INT. THE ACADEMY - DIEGO’S ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON**

Patch and Diego both sit on his bed, cross legged and facing each other, like a couple of teenagers. Diego is already worked up and anxiously twirling a knife as he goes through all the details once more. 

PATCH

I mean...our relationship _was_ kinda contentious. 

DIEGO

It was not!

PATCH

We fought all the time. We _still_ fight all the time. You really gonna fight me over whether or not it was contentious?

DIEGO

Bickering and quarrelling is not the same as fighting. 

PATCH

I swear to God, I will fade back into Full Ghost Mode and leave your ass if you don’t drop it. 

DIEGO

Alright, Jesus. Well, it wasn’t just our relationship they were raking through the mud-- they kept asking about all the times I tried to help on your cases...wanted to know if you’d ever let slip any _classified information._

PATCH

NO! You told them no, right? 

DIEGO

Of course I did!

PATCH

Oh my god, I’m gonna kill you!

She smacks the bed between them in frustration, but doesn’t even make a dent. 

PATCH (CONT’D)

God, did you tell them how many times I had to haul your ass away in a cop car just to get you to stop interfering with my cases? Did you tell them about the time I nearly charged you with Obstruction of Justice?

DIEGO

Yes, Eudora, I told them all about the stick up your ass. Don’t worry.

PATCH

Yeah, well if I’d kept that stick up my ass instead of listening to you, I’d still be alive right now, wouldn’t I?!

They both immediately stop as the weight of her last words sink in.

DIEGO

I’m sorry.

PATCH

I thought we had a plan, Diego. How long did I spend grilling you on all this?

DIEGO

I know, I-I...I t-tr-tried...God damn it, Eudora, I s-stuck to the plan and they still fucked m-me.

PATCH

So you told ‘em the truth, huh?

DIEGO

Figured I might as well. Nothing left to lose, they already discredited every single thing about me. 

Patch lets out a small chuckle. 

PATCH

Y’know, I always wanted to send you in for a Psych Eval. 

DIEGO

It’d be a lot less effort to just hand over my dad’s notes. He diagnosed me as an _insolent brat._

PATCH

Harsh, but not completely untrue. 

They both laugh, releasing the tension in the room.

DIEGO

I’m really trying my best here, Patch. This uh...th-this _guilt_ is...it’s eating m-me up, I can’t--

PATCH

Diego, how many times do I have to tell you--

DIEGO

Yeah, I _know_ it wasn’t my fault, but how the hell am I supposed to sleep when this bullshit system has it all wrong?!

PATCH

But you don’t have to suffer alone anymore, Diego. Your brothers today, they were all there for you...even the one I saved at that motel, y’know, he could really help. 

She scoots closer, perhaps tries to touch his knee.

PATCH (CONT’D)

And you know, whatever happens, no matter the outcome of this case...I’ll be here. 

DIEGO

I know. I want justice, but I also want _you._

  
  


**INT. THE ACADEMY - BEN’S ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON**

This is the first time we’ve seen Ben’s room. It’s not quite as “loud” as the other siblings’ rooms, not particularly bursting with personality. There’s a large bookshelf against one wall (overflowing with piles of books on the floor beneath it), and a few old pictures taped to the wall above his bed-- old cheap disposable camera film, with Klaus’ silly faces plastered all over them, or perhaps a young Allison modeling the latest 90’s trends. 

DAVE

Wait a minute, so you’ve been... _here,_ since you were...

BEN

Sixteen, yeah. 

DAVE

So you’ve never been without Klaus?

BEN

Not for long. Even when he gets drunk or high and he can’t really see me, I usually stick around anyway. Just in case.

DAVE

Huh. So what did he mean when he said he didn’t know what you looked like?

BEN

He knows was _sixteen-year-old_ Ben looks like. This is just... imagination. 

DAVE

Oh. That’s...so sad. I’m sorry.

BEN

It’s okay. You get used to it. The whole _not aging_ thing, I mean. Ghost Time is wonky, anyway.

DAVE

Oh, _tell me about it_. 

BEN

 _Right?!_ Like, the second you let go of Klaus it’s just a mess. I accidentally spent two weeks staring at a flower.

DAVE

Yeah! And y’know it’s so weird, sometimes no matter how hard I try, I can’t remember a single second of those fifty years I waited for your brother? Like, while I was waiting it felt like an _eternity,_ but now that I’m here, it feels like it hardly even happened. 

BEN

You...you waited _fifty years_?

DAVE

Yeah. At least, I think it was fifty years. I mean, I died in ‘69, I know that. And something kept tellin’ me to wait. So every time that big white light came a’callin’, I just ran in the other direction. But like you said, time is...what’s the word? _Wonky_? I remember...I popped in in the 80’s...and then again in 2005...I went back and haunted my family for a little bit, that was nice...but yeah, overall, I think it was mostly just fifty years of drifting.

BEN

Wow. Fifty years in the void...just for one doofus. 

Dave shrugs and smiles. 

DAVE

I love him.

Ben tries not to smile. He doesn’t succeed.

BEN

Gross.

A distant bell interrupts the conversation-- the same one that called them down for breakfast.

After Ben and Dave look to the door towards the sound, we get a series of CUTS of each of the siblings reacting:

Allison, Vanya and Five all finally stop staring at Claire and begin to break apart.

Diego is in the middle of pacing his floor as he rambles to Patch.

Klaus makes a face and rubs his eyes, very unhappy to be woken up from his nap. 

Finally, we land on Luther, who stands behind Grace at the table, setting the final few plates in their places. 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - DINING ROOM - EVENING**

Ben and Dave are the first to file in, followed by Allison, Claire, Vanya, and Five, then Diego and Patch, and finally Klaus. 

MUSIC CUE: “Birthday” by The Beatles.

They’re all talking over one another, filling each other in on their days, ect. The dinner is shot as a MONTAGE of different moments spliced together. 

Grace pulls up an extra chair for Patch while Klaus gives a dramatic reaction to the news of Claire’s new powers. 

Five and Luther bicker, but Ben breaks them apart. 

Claire finally gives Diego his Birthday Hug

Dave introduces himself to Patch.

Allison asks Grace for motherly advice. 

Klaus chucks a bread roll in the air just to watch Diego knock it down with a knife. 

At one point, perhaps, Claire demonstrates her powers and is met with an uproar of applause. 

**INT. THE ACADEMY - DINING ROOM - LATE EVENING**

After winding down from dinner, Grace brings in the chocolate cake. It’s lit with seven candles. 

GRACE

Happy birthday, my darlings!

FIVE

I swear to god, if any of you try to sing--

KLAUS (singing)

HAAAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAAAYYYY _LUTHER AND DIEGO AND ALLISON AND ME AND FIVE AND BEN AND VANYAAAAAA_! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOUUUUU!

He does the honor of blowing out the candles as well. Vanya and Allison cheer him on, while everyone else rolls their eyes. 

Grace cuts into it with ease, making sure to save a bigger slice for Luther, and passing the rest around the table. The plates go around the table like a conveyor belt-- from Luther to Diego to Five to Vanya, but when she tries to pass her plate directly to Klaus, he places it in front of Ben instead. 

KLAUS

Hold on, I wanna try something. 

He turns to address Dave and Patch.

KLAUS (CONT’D)

Could you two fuck off for a moment?

ALLISON

_Language!_

KLAUS

GAH-- can you two please hang out in _ghost realm_ for just a sec?

They nod as Klaus holds out one hand, transferring his power back. Then, turning to Ben, he closes his eyes and scrunches his face. His whole body glows blue this time, and so does Ben’s, but after a moment when the glowing dies down, Klaus reaches with his left hand to grab Ben’s wrist. 

KLAUS

Take a bite, Benny boy. 

Ben hesitantly reaches for the fork, and is astounded when he’s actually able to pick it up. He takes a bite and lets out a small yelp the moment the cake hits his tongue. His eyes water as he looks back at his brother. This is the first thing he’s tasted in fourteen years. 

KLAUS

Good, right? Mom’s cake is the best.

BEN

_It’s just like I remember._

He digs in on the rest while Grace brings forth a mountain of presents. She shushes everyone when each sibling says something along the lines of “Mom, you didn’t have to” or “Oh, mom, we don’t need gifts.” She passes them out one by one, and we go around the table to watch each sibling unwrap theirs.

Luther smiles at the small potted plant, similar to the one he kept on the lunar base-- the ceramic pot is wrapped in colorful paper. He also unwraps a box to find a surprisingly beautiful sweater in just his size. 

Diego gets a kiss on his cheek from Grace as she passes, and we get one last CLOSE SHOT of him fiddling with his new ring. 

Allison puts a hand to her chest in shock and delight as she unwraps her gift-- it’s a hand-made cross-stitch piece with her and Claire’s silhouettes. 

Klaus lets out an excited laugh as he opens his box to find a mini-skirt that has very clearly been fashioned from one of Grace’s retro dresses. He immediately stands up and holds it to his waist, asking for Dave’s opinion. 

Five is still upset with Grace, and therefore unimpressed with the new sweater he’s given (along with a hand-written note, explaining that it’s for “If you ever out grow your uniform”). What _does_ surprise him, however, is another box with a bag of coffee inside. We ANGLE IN on the label, which reads FIVE HARGREEVES: CUSTOM COFFEE BLEND. Five looks up at Grace, perplexed. But then, just for a moment, we get a flash of tenderness in his eyes-- as if he is that sweet, brave, little boy who left all those years ago. 

Ben is wholly surprised at the giant box that’s dropped before him. It’s heavy, but he tears it open nonetheless, and looks to Grace when he finds a typewriter inside. He picks up a note stuck on the top, which we read over his shoulder: “You’ve read a thousand stories-- now write your own.”

And finally, we cut back to Vanya, who opens her box to find a large leather notebook with her initials inscribed in gold, as well as a small UMBRELLA LOGO in the corner. She opens it up to find blank sheet music. It’s a music composition notebook, with the words “Love, Mom” signed on the inside cover. 

We pull back to a WIDE SHOT of the table as the siblings all check out each others presents. Allison helps Claire with her cake, Klaus is already trying his skirt on over his leather trousers, Diego is questioning Luther about his new plant, and Grace helps Ben figure out his new typewriter. For perhaps the first time ever, the Hargreeves Mansion finally feels _full._

MUSIC UP.

**END OF EPISODE**


End file.
